Chasing Normal

Let me start by acknowledging that “normal” is a problematic notion. My professional life has been dedicated to getting classroom teachers to critically question assumptions and practices that are deemed normal in public school settings. What is “normal” anyway? Who gets to decide? How are we accounting for different life experiences rooted in race, class, gender, culture etc., or trauma experiences, or personality preferences, or geographic regions, or…etc., when we are deciding what is normal? In this case, “normalizing” ends up creating two camps – those who do what is expected and those who don’t, with those who don’t feeling “less than” as they live on the fringes of what others deem acceptable.

So, I get this. I am supposed to resist the box designed by others. I am supposed to define my own “norm.” And most days I do, but people judge and it is hard to not feel exhausted by swimming upstream every time I leave my house and encounter people who do not understand my reality. I feel caught in an endless loop of, what I call, chasing normal. As a foster/adoptive mom “normal” is something that is always just out of my reach; I experience fleeting glimpses of it only to be sucked back into the abyss of chaos and confusion.

This past weekend we took a mini-vacation at a resort in Virginia, less than 3 hours away from our home. It’s always a crap shoot when we leave our home for…anywhere. We pack the Melatonin knowing that sleep will be difficult for our little ones in a new place and do A LOT of prep work to prepare our anxious ridden children (mostly our son) for all that they might see, hear, experience, feel, do, etc. while we are in this new space (even if it is a space they have been in before, like a relative’s house, but is a space that breaks the routine of our daily lives). And my husband and I may or may not reserve some of the vacation budget for alcoholic beverages for our own sanity and survival.

The vacation went as expected. There were many beautiful moments where I actually felt “normal.” We all enjoyed an archery lesson where my children respected the rules, worked hard, smiled, got excited by their accomplishments, and posed for frame-worthy pictures. We went swimming in the indoor pool where we laughed, celebrated aquatic skills, took appropriate risks, and made friends with other children. We went ice skating where my daughter attempted arabesques, my son was considerate of other skaters and their space, and both children marveled at how much better and more confident they became with each lap around the rink. The children went skiing where they focused on directions, fell without getting frustrated, and where my son took a ski lift for the first time by himself (note: this was a Daddy approved move while Mommy was inside getting hot chocolate) skiing down like a champ while engaging in meaningful conversations with others on the hill (he reported that he met a boy from Richmond and they discussed how long it took each of them to get to the resort). And we had family meals where the children stayed seated, used manners, and engaged in conversations with us (NO electronics!).

But as is our reality, “normalcy” is always peppered with struggles to follow conventional expectations and behavior. And when I say this, I do not mean the typical struggles that 8-year olds and 5-year olds exhibit. Typical siblings argue…but after asking my daughter to give him her stick so he could roast a marshmallow at the ski lodge and her not responding immediately by surrendering the stick, my son lost his s*&% screaming at her and trying to punch her. When I intervened, he then tried to punch me. Typical children are disappointed when they do not get their way…but after hearing that they could not ski on Saturday and would have to wait until Sunday, my son called us liars while spitting venom and throwing his weight around refusing to listen to any of our reasons for why this was the case. Typical children feel sad when it is time to go home and there was not time to everything we wanted…but when it was time to leave without having gone on a hike, my son left the hotel in anger to go fishing on his own.

And here’s the thing…others don’t notice and acknowledge the “normal,” they only pay attention to the behavior outside of the norm. They are quick to give you dirty looks, move themselves and their children away from you, or pass judgement on your parenting when they see your children NOT doing what is expected.

As parents, we have two major obligations here…to take care of ourselves in these situations…be ducks with the water rolling off of our backs (sometimes easier said than done). And to take care of our children, that they do not feel the judgement of others, but rather our unconditional love and understanding through these struggles. So, if you see children outside the norm, please always remember that there is a story you do not know and there are parents who are working their a#$es off to help them. Offer your grace and support and remember that “normal” is subjective…it’s a moving target…and it undermines the ways in which we need to be there for all children to support them on their journey.