Self-Care is More Than Just a Platitude

The one consistent advice I have run across on this foster care/adoption journey is self-care. I read a lot about it over the years (blogs, articles, books, etc.), but for some reason it did not click for me until winter break 2019-2020 (7 years into this journey!). Perhaps I thought I was above all of that…I am a doctor for God’s sake, I know what I am doing…clearly I do not… (another topic for another post). Parenting these children has been the most humbling experience for me. Everything I thought I knew about child development and learning has been challenged by the pesky realities called trauma and drug exposure. They are game changers, people, and follow none of the rules that us typically developed people cling to so desperately.

Prior to the holidays I was extremely depressed by my weight and physique. I began a health and wellness plan in November (after apple season ended) and have been going strong(ish) ever since. I started eating better and cut out all sugars and (most) alcohol. I started reading about health and wellness (reading after all is the super power of people with Ph.D’s), and am now working on re-incorporating exercise and journaling to support my journey to a healthier, better me.

And, because reading is my super power, I have been seeking out the expertise of those who have walked this path before me. I stumbled upon Jennie Owen’s book, Dancing with a Porcupine, one of the most relatable texts I have ever read. In her story, among many other insightful anecdotes, she talks about creating a sticker chart for herself. Our children who have experienced trauma DO NOT CARE about sticker charts – I have ample evidence (as do other foster/adoption parents) to support this, but the truth is, I LOVE stickers/stars/recognition that I am doing the right thing. (One of the “rules” that is so ingrained in me, yet mean NOTHING to my children who have experienced trauma.) So…I created a Star Chart for myself (didn’t feel like spending money on stickers…stars made with a pen are free!). I decided to give myself a star anytime I responded to my child’s behavior with a calm, quite voice, with stopping to take calming breaths, with hugging even when I wanted to do quite the opposite, and with drinking water even when I wanted to drink something a bit stronger. I realized that I needed to acknowledge the hard work I was doing AND to be accountable to my struggles.

Focusing on me has definitely made a difference in my interactions with my children. If we don’t take care of ourselves, how can we possibly take care of others? In a weird way, this blog is also part of my self-care. While I really do hate to write, I also recognize the healing power it has over me. Maybe that’s why I hate it…it forces me to face issues I could otherwise ignore. And, if you ask my parents (LOVE you Mom & Dad!!!), I do tend to internalize my feelings. Writing allows me to get them out there without the awkwardness of hearing people’s immediate reactions to my thoughts/feelings. I don’t want to be “fixed” or “comforted”…I just want to be heard.