Guess What? I Love You!

I love my children. They can drive me to the brink of insanity more swiftly and more often than I ever thought possible, but at the end of the day, as they snuggle under my arm and fall asleep, I struggle to extract myself from their sweet embrace. I kiss the tops of their heads and whisper, “I love you,” hoping my voice permeates their dreams and erases any of my daytime missteps when my patience was wearing thin and my exhaustion was setting in.

We used to have this little “routine” when they were younger. I would randomly question them, “Guess what?” They would say, “What?” And I would respond with, “I love you.” They are on to me now, though, and the routine has morphed into me saying, “Guess what?” and them responding, “I know, you love me…” Sometimes I’ll ask how they know, and they will say because I tell them everyday. It’s true – I do. I’m just hoping that they also feel that love in my actions, not just my words.

I spend a lot of time researching therapies and appropriate environments to support my children in expressing their feelings, coming to terms with their stories, coping with their (invisible) disabilities, and healing from their losses. We started play therapy for my son when he was 3. He was newly adopted with a baby sister who we were fostering at the time, and we wanted to ensure that he felt attached and secure. When he was 4, we enrolled him in a private pre-school where he struggled to follow rules and engage appropriately with peers. We again turned to play therapy to help him as we explored issues related to trauma, ADHD, and auditory processing. At age 5 we enrolled him in a Montessori program to capitalize on his independent, curious nature. We continued play therapy and began neuro-feedback therapy – an attempt to “re-wire” his brain from the trauma he experienced. We saw some improvements, but the research is new and long-term impacts are not as promising. After one and a half years and tens of thousands of dollars, we decided to take a break. Our next step was to find a therapist who was adoption competent, as we needed someone who could deal more directly with the issues that emerged for him related to his identity – issues that seemed to be driving all of the other behaviors. We found an amazing therapist through the Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), and we are still working with her. In the meantime, we found a psychiatrist and began medications to address his impulsivity, depression and anxiety, and tried Occupational Therapy to help him regulate his emotions and to work on fine motor skills that were causing much of his anxiety in the school setting. We also started equine therapy…cannot say enough about what horseback riding has done for him!

Today, we embarked on a new therapy adventure with another therapist…the Safe and Sound Listening Protocol. Does this sound desperate…maybe…but all of it is grounded in a place of love where I just want my son to feel safe, to feel his worth, to be able to focus, and for the rest of world to see the amazing kid that I see. So he and I put on our headphones tonight and listened to 30 minutes of music/lyrics that are meant to exercise his ear muscles in an attempt to access his central nervous system and to reduce his tendency to shift into fight/flight/freeze at the slightest provocation. This therapy was developed by Stephen Porges, father of the polyvagal theory.

Putting on headphones with my son, listening to music that vacillates between clarity and “fuzziness,” risking some of the potential side effects (headaches, insomnia, balance issues, “itchy” ears), all while parallel playing with legos…that is love. I will do this everyday for the next week…and again in 3-4 weeks…if it means that my son can have peace, can feel his amazing worth, and can be his best self.

It doesn’t matter to me that my children know all of the effort I put into them, I just want to make sure they feel it. Will they turn to me when they are hurting, because they know that I will not judge, but will find ways to help them? Will they feel my unconditional love so that no matter what they do, I will be here for them? Will they bring me their happiness, not just their pain? Because, guess what? I love them…no matter what and beyond measure…