Maybe I Was Just Destined to Nurture “Special-ness”

Let me start by saying…it has been a while. Maybe you have not noticed or cared about my lack of writing, but I have certainly felt its absence. As of mid-March, life took a crazy-ass left-hand turn, and I have been struggling ever since to get back on course. Let me also say that we are among the privileged. My husband and I both have the opportunity to work from home, maintaining our income, and I continue to have some flexibility when it comes to homeschooling my children. Granted I am awake into the wee hours of the night to get my own work done, but that flexibility is definitely a privilege – even though it can often feel more like a curse. I also have an advanced degree in education, so I feel equipped to do what needs to be done for “continuity of learning.”

All of that said, it is a shit show over here. Prior to this global crisis, I was homeschooling one child with significant needs while working from home…now I am homeschooling two children with special needs while working from home, while coordinating with a husband who is now working from home, all while the world seems to be falling apart around us. We have our physical health (though, if you are so inclined, please pray for our extended family), but our mental health is suffering. My son has a variety of diagnoses that incorporate practically every letter combination from A-Z: ND-PAE, ADHD, ODD, PTSD, DMDD, FASD, probably LD… WXYZ… all topped with a heaping spoonful of depression, anxiety, and developmental trauma. So how is he coping through all of this? Mostly he is not. It has been rough…and some days, very rough.

The other issue that has emerged during this time is the number of farm animals that also need our attention. Let’s start with Benji, our adorable mutt we rescued last January. He and his sister/mother (it is a regular soap opera around here..) are the sweetest dogs on earth. They are tolerant of my children’s erratic behavior and protect them fiercely. But, MY GOD, Benji CANNOT stop licking….EVERYTHING! People…toys…his sister/mama…anything that is within tongue’s reach. WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?! We have been loving in our attempts to get him to stop, we have been harsh, we have tried all sorts of stuff, but he simply cannot stop himself from communicating with his extremely stinky saliva. (Similar to our children not being able to communicate effectively with words…they prefer to use their bodies…)

Then there is our duck, Peeper. She/He…not sure yet…has been cuddly since day one….sleeping in our arms, appreciating our kisses, and just being an overall adorable duck. Now that she/he is in the outside pen, we have noticed that she/he is pigeon-toed. Is that normal? A pigeon-toed duck?! Apparently, it happens. And now I am supplementing her/his food with Niacin to help strengthen the legs and to try and straighten them out so he/she no longer falls on her/his face every time she/he tries to walk across the pen. (Similar to our children who stumble over “simple” requests and who continually get tripped up in their own anger and impulsivity.)

And yesterday, our pony impaled himself on…something…perhaps a metal stake in the meadow left over from cattle days. I am now administering pain medication, cleaning the drainage from the wound, and spraying liquid bandage to keep the wound protected. (Similar to our children who seem to be magnets for anything dangerous and “off-limits.”)

Meanwhile one of our donkeys has been diagnosed with Cushings Disease. This translates into daily medication that needs to be hidden in appetizing treats. And all three equines have the beginnings of thrush, requiring us to clean out their hoofs and treat them with apple cider vinegar. (Similar to the daily medications we are trying in order to help my son cope with ADHD behaviors and anxiety that can be crippling if untreated.)

And, of course, there’s my adorable yet extremely complicated children. After months of homeschooling I am convinced that my son has a learning disability – yet another string of letters to add to his bio. We are in the queue for testing through a private organization since the school system does not have the capacity to test for the level of detail I believe he needs to attain appropriate services.

So, the long and short of it is…I am EXHAUSTED. I want so much to be planning activities that engage my children in helping the community, but I am too tired. I want so much for this time at home to heal all of the wounds of abuse and neglect, but it won’t…there is never enough time for that. I want so much for my children to be excited about learning and to embrace real-life lessons that emerge when living on a farm, but learning for my babies is HARD and more complicated than I ever imagined it would be. I want so much to celebrate friends and family who have the opportunity to nurture life they had the privilege of growing themselves and to connect with their struggles to survive during this pandemic, but the reality is that they will never truly understand my experience…I am feeling too defeated.

Today…at this moment in time…I am questioning why I was bestowed with so much “special-ness.” I certainly don’t feel capable, I don’t feel “good enough” to handle any of it well, and I don’t feel optimistic enough to make all of it be okay. The beauty of this journey, however, is that tomorrow I might feel differently. A glass of wine, some binge watching of “Dead to Me,” and a good night’s sleep might just give me the strength I need to face another day. Another day where I am needed at a capacity that I in no way feel qualified to provide. This “special-ness” appears to be my destiny. I pray every day that I have the strength to meet the myriad of needs, to put out the fires without getting burned myself, and to show enough love to make it to the next day relatively unscathed.